frozen in time + pandemic blues + the way out.

this year has been testing. ⁣

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as episodes of depression crept into my reality i found myself unable to do anything. i remember this feeling from my younger days. a feeling of being paralyzed with fear, one in which helplessness is the overwhelming energy and it becomes incredibly difficult to move. ⁣

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but this time around i had the backup of all the internal work that i have done over the years. this time, i wasn’t so attached to the performer in me refusing to perform. i wasn’t so caught up in the story the ego tells itself when it isn’t “doing” something it considers to be “good enough.” i observed my ego as it completely freaked out and demanded i show up, write, do something, anything. ⁣

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i didn’t consider my observing to be radical at the time but i do now. to sit with ourselves as we go through a process of stripping ourselves of conditioning is paramount on this journey. the ego can’t stand what it doesn’t understand and it definitely can’t stand the unknown. ⁣

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that’s the reason for our obsession with routine in society. routine is obviously not a bad thing, but to be obsessed with it is an addiction - and we know that addiction is never in service of our higher self. ⁣

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this pandemic - this year, kicked us all into the awareness of what we previously masked with addictions of all sorts. the awareness that we are all on some level children who are afraid of what tomorrow may bring. the awareness that our fear of seeing our true self runs so deep that we’re addicted to controlling and protecting the lives we’ve created for ourselves - even if it’s an illusion. ⁣

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these past couple of months i have felt frozen in time. I could see everything happening in my life but i didn’t feel like an active participant in it. i felt out of control but that is how i needed to feel in order to undergo the deep soul surgery that was taking place within me. ⁣

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as “normal” was falling away and i had to embrace the unknown, i felt myself resisting at times and surrendering at others. ⁣

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although living in the unknown has been a theme in my life for the past few years, even long before the pandemic hit, something about the energy of collective uncertainty struck me. it confirmed to me what i had always known but was desperately hoping not to be true - that this life is one in which most of us have been played from the ground up. ⁣

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we haven’t been given the truth nor have we been conditioned with belief systems that serve our higher self. ⁣

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instead, we’ve been conditioned to serve our egos, the part of us that believes it is separate from all else. the part of us that breeds the type of behavior that causes serious damage to the heart, body, soul, and psyche of the human. ⁣

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last night at 4 am as i lay in bed, i had a conversion within myself that revealed to me that the ego and the soul are both occupying the human. we are both man and god and the one you serve is the one that serves you. ⁣

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when we aren’t in service to our god-self we are serving our ego-self. too much of this will result in an emotional downward spiral. this is the basis for all depression and anxiety. ⁣

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the concept of self-service can be broken down into two categories: serving the ego-self or serving the soul-self (aka god-self). ⁣

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when you are serving the ego-self you are functioning from lack and survival. you are tunneled into doing whatever it takes to pleasure yourself even if that is at the expense of yourself or others. when you are serving the ego, you don’t see other people as equals nor do you consider their value. you are out to get whatever you want, by any means necessary regardless of who you take from in the process. ⁣

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when you are in soul service, you do the things that are in service for the highest good of ALL. you don’t lie, cheat, or steal to get yourself “ahead.” you acknowledge everyone’s importance and the significant role each individual plays in the grand scheme of things. you honor that. you don’t seek pleasure that is harmful but you meet your needs and your desires. when you are in soul service you understand that what is done to one is done to all. you aren’t impulsive or controlling - you move from a space of responsiveness rather than that of reaction. you give as you receive and conduct your life in alignment with the natural order of the universe. ⁣

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there's an old Cherokee teaching about a grandfather talking to his grandson about life - it goes like this ...⁣

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“A fight is going on inside me,” the grandfather says to his grandson.⁣

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”⁣

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”⁣

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”⁣

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”⁣

so are you in soul service or ego service? which wolf are you feeding?⁣

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there is no shame in any of this. what’s important is getting to the bottom of your traps and recognizing what creates a downward spiral in your life. ⁣

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from looking at my own life and the lives of many others, i’ve come to observe that being in ego service robs us of true fulfillment and causes us to be in constant despair. ⁣

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on the contrary, being in soul service fills our cups and we live from an overflow that extends itself to our friends, neighbors, and fellow humans - it gives us something to live for. ⁣

#getoutthetrap

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