how to stop confusing giving without an agenda with giving to get your needs met

the last post i posted i felt really anxious for being two weeks late on posting something. ⁣⁣ this time around it’s been two months - and i am not apologizing. sometimes, in order to get the big picture, we have to step back and allow things to make sense - to grasp what we are feeling and experiencing. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ in the past two months, a lot has changed in my life. it has been such a transitionary phase - as the world entered quarantine, i vacillated between confusion and possibility. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ what if i just get up and move to atlanta? i, pondered. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ and so i did. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ i have been wanting to come to this city for the past 7 years. it’s been on my list of places to move and i knew that when the time was right it would happen. i never gave up on that initial desire, even though some phases of my life would say otherwise. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ my life has been a roller coaster, and i have been holding on for dear life. when i come out of what feels like the craziest part, i always gain a ton of insight and perspective that i didn’t have before.⁣⁣ ⁣ i want to share an important lesson with you. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ you can’t give what you don’t have. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ so many of us expect so much from ourselves to the point of our own detriment. we expect ourselves to give give give until the wheels fall off. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ but a car with no wheels, won’t get you anywhere. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ this has been a hard thing for me to come to terms with because i realized that giving can be misconstrued just like anything else in this life. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ it is easy to confuse giving with no agenda with giving to get your needs met. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ let me explain.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ you might have a need to be loved and accepted but you may also have a belief that the only way to get this need met is to give (even if you have nothing to give). this causes problems because you aren’t actually giving; you are trading, without the awareness of what you are asking for in return. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ that is manipulation. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ if you grew up in a household where you weren’t accepted unless you gave more than you had - then this is your pattern. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ you realized young that in order to be safe and to be loved (some of our most important needs), you had to have something to give. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ your worth was never shown to you. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ don’t blame yourself for that. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ just understand that eventually that form of giving will lead to burnout and will cause you to lose touch with all things, including yourself. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ once you see this pattern (like all patterns) you can reverse it. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ there is no shame in having needs. but if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you have a belief somewhere deep within you that having needs is shameful. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ the first step in reversing this curse is getting radically honest about what you need. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ look at your life and see what the people in your life bring to it. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ why do you have them in your life? ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ why do you do the things that you do?⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ what needs of yours are being met? ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ and which ones are you struggling to meet because they can’t be met outside of you? ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ or can’t be met by the people currently in your life?⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ these questions are the entryway into understanding yourself and your needs more.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ once you understand yourself, you won’t fall victim to the patterns of manipulation that come from unmet needs that eventually morphe into resentment. ⁣ ⁣⁣ when our needs aren’t being met, we suffer and blame ourselves and others. we can no longer afford to live like this. passive aggression won’t meet your needs. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ your life needs you to be an active player. ⁣⁣ ⁣ you deserve it. you are worth it. you got it. ⁣ ⁣⁣ #getoutthetrap⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣