my experience with death

i had an encounter with death yesterday. when i say i had an encounter, i mean i literally died.

early in the morning i had some really bad cramps and i took some aleve. although i don’t usually take aleve, my mother offered it to me and without thinking much of it, i took it.

i went to a cafe to get some work done and i drank a lot of caffeine (something i don’t do much either). again not being fully aware of all i was putting into my system, i took some cbd oil (a higher dose than usual). something was guiding me to have the profound experience that i was about to have. (more on that later).

rewind back to before i got to the cafe. i had a strange interaction with my sister that pushed me to the edge. it made me angry. i left the house and i drove to a dispensary. i haven’t gone to the dispensary in ages, although from time to time if i am called to smoke weed i will take ONE hit (only if someone around me has it). anyway i go to the dispensary and buy a pre-roll. i leave and get to the cafe and i have a crazy realization.

every experience i was having was a reflection of exactly how i was feeling. i recognized that the way i was experiencing people was a complete projection.

lately i have been very close to people. i have been open and so most times, i receive openness back from people. i encounter a world full of good smiling loving people because i am a good loving smiling person.

but yesterday was different and i caught on right away. i felt people looking at me in a way that felt like they were angry. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “i am doing this to myself.” i journaled and journaled and found my way back to my center.

i was able to finish my work. left the cafe and called my sister. i realized that i had to communicate some serious boundaries on my end so that we didn’t have to have that experience again. she wanted to talk too.

we went to another cafe. i got some more coffee. we talked and everything was resolved. (or so i thought).

i don’t really drink much coffee because i am a pretty sensitive person. i try to monitor what goes into my body and most days i do a fantastic job. yesterday however, God had another plan for me and i had no idea until way later.

completely forgetting i already took cbd oil, i take another dose. i thought this would cancel out all the caffeine i had in my system and calm me down. all of a sudden i get extremely nauseous. i start to feel myself wanting to let it all out. my sister is driving to the store to grab some groceries, i hold it all in and tell myself i can wait until she parks.

when she parks and goes into the store, my body completely freaks out. the cbd wants to come out but it won’t fully exit my body. i have the brilliant idea “let’s smoke that preroll i got earlier, that will help me throw it all up.” i take my one hit and everything goes downhill from here.

i start to remember that i took aleve earlier and i start to feel the aleve and the cbd at war with one another in my body. i feel the territory they claimed in my little body and how they were not getting along. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.. this is how people overdose. i felt myself dying.

completely defeated, i push my seat all the way back and i lay down. at this point i have surrendered to death. i put the window down and i stare out of it. (i just want to make this very clear, my body is very sensitive to weed so if i do ever smoke i have a limit of one hit). at this point i am fried. i can feel all that is happening inside of me with the caffeine, cbd and the aleve.

i am confused as to what pushed me to do all these strange things that i never ever do.

something tells me to let it all go.

so i do and as i am looking out the window i see a huge tree and in the middle of it sits a crow staring right at me. when i see it, i am surprised as to how i even found it with my eye. the tree is far away but the crow had an energy that was pulling on me. as soon as i saw it, it flew over to the small tree right next to my car. and with it, it brought a message that has changed me forever. it introduced itself to me as death and said to me

the only reason you are afraid of me, death, is because of how many times you’ve ignored God’s voice. your own voice. that is why you fear your time to meet your creator. you don’t want to meet the creator without having been honest. without giving what you were meant to.

and in this moment i had to come to terms with all the conversations i didn’t have with people. all the times i didn’t say what i truly meant. all the times i didn’t give what was given to me. all the times i let fear win over love. all the things/people/places i haven’t forgiven and haven’t asked for forgiveness.

and then i decided to die. i decided that i was okay with it all. and in this moment i found life.

i was given another chance in this physical form. i was told i have a mission much greater than myself. and to truly show up as a catalyst for getting out of the trap. many times it is the things that we don’t do that kill us slowly. most of us already live in death. i have learned that in order to find life we must go through death.

we have to die to our old stories and our old shame. we have to release what we hold so close to us and let it fly away. we have to be honest about how we were violated and how we have violated others, and then we must in that moment choose forgiveness. forgiveness looks like death. it is release.

everything that happened yesterday was divinely orchestrated. it was the most spiritual experience of my life and i am sure even trying to write it out right now isn’t doing the experience justice.

this morning when i woke up, i found out that the crow is an omen of death. and then i thanked death for visiting me. i am so grateful for death and life.

they dance together beautifully, they are two sides of the same coin.

to fear one is to shut ourselves out from both.

#getoutthetrap